Here’s the thing: I’m a horny slut. I love the idea of going out, meeting new people, chatting them up, dancing, making out, swapping numbers, and then maybe meeting up for more. Or not. After all, just because we make out and swap numbers doesn’t mean I’m automatically “down.”
I’m totally kinky, too: I’m down for bondage if you’re into it. Up for a threesome? Cool, let’s find us a third. I’ll fuck you in front of your husband, go to play parties, and engage in almost any kind of debauchery you can imagine, at least once.
But while the IDEA of this sexually luxurious life has always interested me, I’ve only recently started actually enjoying a hedonistic way of living …. and certainly not without struggle. You see, for years, I’ve felt immense amounts of shame about my sexuality. I had fallen victim to the sex-negative labels that are assigned to those with a libidinous nature.
And in case it’s not clear… I’m a man.
Sex-negative labels directed towards men are often not discussed when we talk about sexuality. But when words like “pig,” “pervert,” or “creep” are sometimes used when men are overt about their sexual desires, it’s worth adding to the conversation.
To be clear, women have certainly had a FAR longer history of repression and shaming. It’s important to recognize, however, that shame and feelings of guilt are not a uniquely female issue when it comes to modern sexuality. In doing so, we can further ensure that the solutions and mindsets we preach are done so regardless of gender.
Personally, I know all too well the effects that sexually negative language can have on a man. Despite recently embracing my sexuality & polyamourous lifestyle, I still continue to fear being labeled as a sleezebag for expressing who I am sexually. While most of my worries are self-created (IE, I’ve never been TOLD I’m a sleazebag), there are many societal standards that contribute to this hesitance.
We often hear through media and in our interactions, that “The only thing men want is sex. Men are such pigs!” It’s not much of a leap to conclude that wanting sex, if you’re a man, makes you a pig. It can be especially harming to those who may hear these messages at an early age, and the damage this negative language can be long lasting.
For those who are coming into their sexuality at ANY age, this type of negative language creates internal struggle when trying to balancing healthy sexuality and the desire to be good. This very concept is at the heart of sexual repression: reconciling being sexual with being moral.
In large part, the sex-positive movement has had, and will continue to have, a positive effect on this internalized struggle, for men and women alike. Indeed, I’ve experienced first hand what it means to transform from sexually shy to sexually open, through the support of a community that values consent, expression, and morality.
So as we continue to educate, advocate, and propel the new age of sexuality forward, let’s remember that the focus on sex positive messaging should embrace all genders, orientations, races, and more, with equality and compassion. Regardless of who you are and what you’re into, there are messages and labels out there that will make you feel negative, and we must work towards making everyone feel good about their sexual lives.
In short: let’s remember that shame is agnostic. And we can ALL use a whole lot less of it.